1. Don't go swimming after eating. Seriously, don't let the water get you if you have food in your tummy. I still haven't ascertained exactly what would happen to you, but it's definitely bad.
We have arrived in our charming Ligurian village after a bit over two hours of driving, and have had a coffee and then wandered around, and finally chosen the island opposite as our sunbathing destination, and have therefore acquired some focaccia to eat once we are over there, and have made our way over to the island and snagged some beach chairs. It has been fun, but also we left early-ish for a Sunday morning and I didn't really eat breakfast, and now we have chairs and also focaccia. In my mind, the situation is perfect.
"Wait!" says my friend. "Don't you want to go swimming?"
"Um... sure," I say, unsure what the obstacle to that is.
"Well, then, we can't eat yet! Then we'd have to wait three hours."
Oh, right. I had heard something about that. I grew up thinking it was 30 minutes, but whatever. My friend takes pity on me.
"Are you hungry?" she asks.
"Well, a little," I say, thinking I'm about to get a reprieve, "I mean, I didn't really eat breakfast or anything."
"That's perfect, then!" exclaims she, "this is the perfect time to go swimming. Your stomach is empty. We'll eat after. It's better."
I wrap the focaccia back up.
2. The sun chair must always be facing the sun, exactly. I suppose because otherwise you will get a crooked tan. Either way, you must make this happen, even if it means getting up and shifting them around in a dance-y little circle every hour and a half or so.
3. Thou shalt not stand still in the water. Because then you'll get cold. From standing in the water. Even if the sun is beating down on your back and the water is warm like bathwater.
4. Thou shalt dry thy entire self off immediately upon exiting the water. Otherwise, the sea breeze will get you when you are still wet, and then god knows what might happen. This is particularly applicable for the back of your neck.
5. Thou shalt not let the sea breeze get you past a certain time of day, for the same reason. I suppose at that point, sea breeze becomes night air and then it attacks the back of your neck and all manner of badness happens to you.
On the other hand, you may be surprised to learn of a few things that are completely fine:
For instance, it is considered absolutely safe to jump off of boulders into the sea, even if there appear to be other boulders lurking below the surface. Similarly, you are welcome to slide down a steep-ish slope of rocks and pebbles mixed together and occasionally splashed by water so that some weird kind of scum grows on them and they become ridiculously slippery. This is fine.
Additionally, if you want to let your elementary-school-aged children monkey around on a playground that is sandwiched between a main road and the sea while you hang out on your boat ten minutes away, that's fine too.
And, my favorite: do not worry about the sun. The sun will not hurt you. All it will do is make your skin a beautiful shade of brown. Or possibly lobster red, but whatever. No one will think anything of it if you vaguely dab on a droplet of spf 15 (good luck finding anything stronger than spf 20, by the way) and then spend the entire day roasting under the midday sun on your chaise longue, rolling over periodically so that all sides of you get done equally.
Just as long as the back of your neck isn't touched simultaneously by the evening breeze and any kind of moisture.
Above - bottom left: ridiculously slippery rocks; middle right: San Pietro in Porto Venere.
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